This may be the greatest post I’ve ever read.
Dear Bruce Vilanch,
I have written the following terrible jokes for this year’s Oscars telecast. I anticipate you will use one, if not all of them. PROVE ME WRONG.
- From 127 Hours, James Franco is here. James Franco, ladies and gentleman, give him a hand. No, seriously, can someone give him a hand?
- This year, James Franco played two real people. As Allen Ginsburg in Howl, he was disarmingly witty, and as Aron Ralston in 127 Hours, he was just disarmed.
- James, you gave a fearless performance. And you did it single-handedly.
- If you want your movie to have great visual effects, it’ll cost you an arm and a leg, or in the case of 127 Hours, just an arm!
- James, in 127 Hours, you gave new meaning to the phrase “ROCK star!” Literally!
- James Franco, what a lady-killer! Don’t worry, ladies, tonight, he’s unarmed.
- … but on the other hand… there’s a giant rock!
- I’ve got to hand it to the handsome James Franco who handily hands in a well-handled and evenhanded portrayal of handicap, in Danny Boyle’s hands-on, handheld handiwork— that really rocked!
- [intro video in which the emcee has to go host the Oscars, but he’s delayed because his hand gets stuck under a rock, or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson]
